Anorak Man - Roland Beaney
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Useless gifts - December 2008
How many times have you said, "It's just
what I've always wanted—how nice." when your friend or loved one has
wasted so much of their time and money buying you that ugly tie, foot spa, ice
cream maker, battery-powered fan or butter knife
Long, long ago people were moved to give gifts by their own honest desire to
make someone happy. What on earth happened? Nowadays, greedy businesses have
stolen Christmas and birthdays and twisted these traditions into an absurd,
money-oriented guilt-fest where otherwise rational people feel obligated
to buy "presents" for each other. Since most of us already have what we want or
need, we end up getting useless gifts that we have no use for. Have you ever
received a gift and thought to yourself "what were these people thinking" either
at the time or in retrospect? My wife opened a present and found a tin of anti wrinkle cream and it wasn't
from me, honestly! I received a pair of pointed shoes and a cardigan that
had gone out of fashion many years before and it seemed such a waste to
ditch them. A bottle of whisky for a non drinker or a box of chocolates for a
slimmer are also bad choices for presents. I rarely have to buy any deodorant
because I receive so much as presents, do people think I smell that bad? Lat
year I received so many calendars that I had one for every room. I really don't
want any more pairs of socks, not for the next 10 years anyway and please, no
more shirts. Also please check how much hair a man has before buying him a brush
and comb. After the first week a friend had over 10 teddy bears and 25 outfits
for their new born baby that were never used, all of them were eventually given
away to charity. It was a nice thought but most stuffed animals are a bit
useless when you think about it. I think most parents would want to buy their
kid's outfits. Finally, why do most of us receive a clock as a present for our
retirement? its not really something that we really need at that time of our
life. What can you do with presents that you don't want? usually they fill up your
wardrobe for many years until you have a sort out and then they end up in a
jumble sale. Whatever happened to all those cheese fondues sets that were given
as presents in the 70s? Do you remember dipping pieces of food on a long fork
into the cheese? What about all those Teas maids that were a favourite present
in the 60s, we seem to make do without them now. I can remember as a kid the joy
of receiving a simple present, but now we feel duty bound to spend a fortune and
much of what we buy is wasted. I love to give presents but unless they can give
me an idea of what they want I will keep my money in the bank. Now, what am I
going to do with all those diaries I received last Christmas?
I'm on the train - November 2008
I had to travel to London recently and used a train for the first time in years. It felt strange leaving my car at home as I made my way to the station. I went to the ticket office and purchased my rail card for a very reasonable price. "Do not take a train before 9am", Said the man in the office. I walked to the ticket barrier and I was reluctant to put my ticket in the slot in case it disappeared forever, but the nice man reassured me that all would be ok. I went down the steps to the platform and was feeling a a little lost. "I wish I was driving my car", I was muttering. The platform was not the most exiting place in the world with its dirty walls but the nice display above my head told me the times trains were due. The first train was a fast due just before 9am and the sign said that it would be three minutes late and sure enough it arrived exactly three minutes late. I wondered if I should board it but remembered that the man in the ticket office told me that I must not take a train due before 9am and thought better of it. My train arrived at exactly the time that was displayed on the board and I wondered how they knew the times so accurately, I would find out later. The train was almost full and I managed to find a seat next to a lady who was staring at her mobile phone, she did not move an inch when I sat down next to her and she spent all the journey staring into her phone. Was it a very long text message? I never did find out. Lots of people were using their laptops and soon mobile phones were ringing. A man three rows behind me answered his phone and everyone could hear his conversation, how embarrassing. He was heard saying, "I will touch base with you tomorrow" then we went into a long tunnel and thankfully that ended his call. Soon we pulled into a station and came to a stop. Nothing happened and people who were trying to get off were looking a bit worried. A friendly train driver apologised over the loudspeaker and told us that he couldn't open the doors as the train had lost contact with the satellite. Puzzled looks formed on peoples faces but the lady next to me never moved away from her mobile phone, what was she reading?. Well, I've heard of leaf mould and the wrong type of snow on the track but not a satellite delaying a train. Then I realised how they knew the exact times of the arrival of the trains in the station as we were being watched by a satellite navigation system. How things have changed since I last boarded a train, no smoke coming out of an engine, no slam doors, no signs saying, "do not use the toilet in the station" or "Communication cord, penalty for use £10" The train driver eventually found the satellite and we continued on our way to our destination, the laptops were folded up and the lady next to me eventually made her way off the train still looking at her mobile, perhaps it was a picture of her boyfriend she was looking at. I was many miles away from my car facing crowds of passengers trying to find the underground station and that's another story.
The Ghost - October 2008
Lee Shuttleworth, the ships cook "spook" first and told me, "I've had several encounters with Harry (the ships ghost) over the years. My first one goes back to 2004. It was the weekend we started rebuilding one of the studios. I arrived onboard Saturday afternoon to find three guys had started ripping the studio apart and were working on a new bench and I joined in. As the day wore on the numbers onboard dwindled until by evening there was just two of us putting the mixer into place and reconnecting the wires. After our meal we shut the access gate so no one could come down to the ship. We also shut all the doors on the ship so there was no chance of anyone getting near, let alone onboard. Having finished all the work we were sitting in the studio having a beer and listening to the radio. Suddenly we heard footsteps coming up the stairs. I looked up just in time to see someone coming round the landing and going up the next set of stairs to the bridge. We went to investigate but there was no one there and downstairs the doors were all still bolted. On another occasion I was walking past the engine room and saw someone downstairs at the bench by the heating boiler. I thought it was my mate and went in to ask him if I could lock up but no one was down there. On another occasion, at the end of a summer bank holiday, I think it was August 2006. We'd been on board for a week and there was just three of us left. We were in the mess room having breakfast. We heard footsteps coming in the door, a shadow was cast into the messroom and we all looked up to see who it was but there was no one there. We then heard footsteps go off down the companionway towards the engine room and saw a towel, which was hanging on the rail, move as if by the draft of someone passing by it. More recently, on a Saturday night, we'd had dinner, and were partaking of the usual post dinner sport of sliding back a few cans of beer, Tim had recently arrived and had joined in the festivities, when we heard a bang, followed by someone stomping around above us on the back deck. We all rushed out to see who it was only again to find the decks, quayside, and surrounding areas totally devoid of people".
Peter Woods, one of the restoration crew told me of two notable experiences he had on board, "The first was whilst in the mess room last winter. I was sitting at the table on a Saturday evening in the company of the crew after Cow pie and chilling out with a few beers; I was facing towards the door, when I felt two firm finger taps on my shoulder which I thought was one of the guys having a laugh, but when I turned around there was no-one near me - they were all sat down. There was no-one on the seats beside mine either. Was it Harry? The second incident was in May when I was standing near the shop door (ex dog kennel ) I was talking to my mates mother on the mobile phone, reception was better there. She has been psychic for years, seeing and hearing "dead" people as large as life as we all appear to each other. During the course of the conversation she said she could hear a dog down the phone at my end, but I told her that there was no dog here or anywhere near the ship although there was one when it was out at sea during the 83 - 91 period. I realise she must have heard "Raffles", or perhaps there was a another dog onboard during the great northern trawler years ? I trust by these revelations I am not making a "spectre"cle of myself ! ...........ok I'll get me coat !"
Fangs a lot to both Lee and Peter for their stories. I wonder if Harry has any ghoulfriends? think it is time to read a nice book called, The Haunted Ship by Yugo First.
Has anyone else encountered a ghost, I would love to hear your stories
Is E-Rage a Gr8 problem? - September 2008
A game of Tennis - August 2008
Is Public Wi-Fi Safe? - July 2008
Public Wi-Fi access (free or paid) is a service that is expanding fast. I've been reluctant to use it but already some people can't manage without it. So when I go on holiday is it worth taking my laptop with me to check my e-mails and get directions on the road and are there be a lot of places where I would be able to use it. Also what about security on public Wi-Fi hot spots, are they safe and could I check my bank details in the local coffee shop without the threat of someone else seeing my account? As we have been told many times we should be careful with our confidential details when we use our computers as it is easy for it to be seen on the airwaves. There are a lot of Wi-Fi hot spots about now, hotels, coffee shops, fast food restaurants, airports, motorway service areas and many shopping centres so you should be able to find somewhere to connect to the web. Ultimately, we are the first line of defence for staying safe and a little common sense goes a long way. Make sure you have a firewall set up and running. Keep your antivirus protection up to date and your sensitive data secured separately on a drive that is not connected to your laptop. Free Wi-Fi service is great but paid Wi-Fi may be a bit safer, offering better protection, since most have encryption in place. Ultimately a wired connection will always be the best option. But then again, wired or wireless--there are no guarantees. When accessing public Wi-Fi (free or paid), don't transmit anything that you wouldn't write on a postcard and send for the world to see, unless it is absolutely necessary. Remember no computer network is truly secure. It's always theoretically possible for eavesdroppers to view or "snoop" the traffic on any network, and it's often possible to add or "inject" unwelcome traffic as well. However, some networks are built and managed much more securely than others. I think I'll leave my laptop at home and enjoy my holiday or could I use my mobile phone instead to surf the web and send e-mails, that's another question I will look at later.
Downloading music - June 2008
According to some of the major stores the CD single has died and they have decided to stop selling them. I always thought it was a waste to use a whole CD for a single and most of the younger generation have not bought one for many years. They download all their music from Cyberspace and play it on their sub woofers without any sign of a disc at all. My first attempt at downloading almost failed when I paid 79p for my favourite tune and it disappeared somewhere on my computer. I looked for hours and eventually found it mixed up with my pictures. Then I had to find out how to copy it onto an MP3 player and Windows gave no hint how this can be done. I was told that I couldn't send or give the track to a friend because of copyright restrictions even though I can give my CDs away to anyone. The file stayed locked inside my computer for weeks until I purchased an MP3 player and studied the instructions written in 25 languages to find out how to use it. I was amazes at the amount of music I could put on such a tiny device. I still remember buying my first single with some money I had for my birthday, it was "What do you Want" by Adam Faith. I took it home and played it on my Dansette record player over and over again until my mum pulled the plug on it. The records came in paper sleeves with Decca, London, Embassy or HMV written on them and they cost six shillings and seven pence. I built up a large collection of records and shared them with my friends but now I risk being stopped by the copyright cops if I dare give my download to a friend to play. Most of my collection of singles disappeared many years ago when the CD was invented and now I have to start my collection all over again with downloads. That's progress, I suppose. Most of us seem to remember the first record we bought so please e-mail me at rolandbeaney@tiscali.co.uk with details of your first record purchase.
Identity theft - May 2008
Sensible Risks - April 2008
I wonder if this means that Children will not now be required to wear helmets and goggles when playing conkers and the School Pancake Day race that was banned as a hazard last year will return. I'm not so sure about hanging baskets though after I walked into one last summer that had just been watered. My face was covered with soil and I was soaked. Why do people hang them at head height over a pathway?
Growing up - March 2008
Men's fashions - February 2008
Computers - Jan 2008
When I started school I was interested in a large machine that sat in the corner of the classroom. One day I asked my teacher what it was and she told me that it was a calculator. She showed me how to use it and said that if I was a good boy I could play with it during the lunch hour. I was fascinated by it because it would subtract, add, multiply divide and do all my sums. It was one of the first calculators and was so big that took up a large part of the corner of the classroom. When I started work I noticed an office where everyone that went into it had to dress up like nurses. When I asked what they did in there I was told that it was the computer bureau and I was not allowed in there because I might contaminate it. I did remind them that I had a wash before coming to work and they all laughed. Later I was dressed up like a nurse and taken in to have a look. It was one of the first computers and it was massive. The office had to be a dust free environment and there were giant cabinets and machinery everywhere. They told us that computers would eventually cut out all our paperwork. Now I have a computer on my desk that takes up far less room than that first calculator in my classroom yet it is thousands of times more powerful. The computer has now replaced that well known chocolate bar that helps us to work, rest and play. When anyone aged 25 now was born a few of us were privileged to own a Sinclair home computer. Now, most homes have a least one computer that is two thousands of times more powerful than those Sinclair machines. I remember having ink wells on my school desk and getting my hands covered in the stuff and the fountain pens that would spring a leak and leave pools of ink all over the desk, thankfully we had blotting paper to mop it all up with, now what happened to blotting paper? thankfully the teacher soon let us use ball point pens, they got fed up with the ink stains all over the place. Now we type our letters or should I say e-mails from our Computers and they get to Australia in a few seconds or even earlier. We use them for work, we use them for rest and we use them for play and we also use them for learning. For many of us the first task when we got up was to head for the kitchen to make a cup of tea, now I head for the computer and check my e-mails. I thought that early adding machine meant that eventually I wouldn't have to do any more sums. I now realise how wrong I was and I still have to use my brain. They also told us that computers would eventually reduce the amount of paper we use. How wrong they were. They now churn our more paperwork than ever before, that's why all the trees are disappearing. They also lose all our personal records.
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